DISCLAIMER:

These blogs contain details that pertain to my life. They are true, real, un-sensored, & straight from my biplar mind lol. Some of the things I discuss may cause you to feel strong emotions of anger, frustration, sadness, and you more than likely will not understand where I am coming from. I am not writing for a 'pity party', this is strickly something I just feel good about doing. It's my life, therefore its my perrogative (The exclusive right and power to command, decided, rule or judge) to write about whatever I want. The only person who's opinion matters to me is my husband & he approves of my blogging. In conclusion: You have been warned ~ Read At Your Own Risk!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Hurtful Words.

I know how hard it is for me to deal with my emotions, but I cant imagine how hard it must be to live with me. After being placed in a mental facility & professionally diagnosed being bipolar, it feels good to know there is a hormonal reason why my moods change so rapidly and go beyond the intensity of a normal persons range. My spouse went with me to my therapist, he was told what bipolar is like and how it affects people. He is suppose to understand but he acts like I enjoy being in a pissy mood, and at some times acts like I have the ability to control myself.

Am I wrong to expect a little understanding from my spouse?

Yesterday was crazy. I had an o.k. day up until I got home from picking my oldest daughter up from school. My spouse was cleaning fish to cook for supper in the kitchen which caused the entire kitchen to REEK of a fishy odor while I was trying to clean my toddlers room to get ready to vacuum it. The toddler poured out chips in the kitchen, while I cleaned that mess up she decided to pour my tea out on the living room floor (that i just swept & mopped the night before)  then while sweeping her sisters room, she got a banana from the kitchen & was caught squishing it in her carpet and all of this happened within about an hour. 

To say I was a bit annoyed, or agitated is no where close to the intensity of my emotional state. I had all that going on while still needing to do laundry and sweep AGAIN & MOP AGAIN and even still had to feed the kids supper, give them baths and get them to bed. I wanted to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs. What good would it have done? My spouse didn't seem to budge from the kitchen, he was in his own little world of " I'm cleaning fish so I can cook them for supper", at one point he was even outside on the back porch cleaning them.

After everything was done & kids were in bed I finally sat down for a moment and began a conversation with my spouse. We discussed my mood and why I was "mad at the world", so he said. I never expected to hear the next phrase that came out of his mouth. "Crazy psychopath" was the name used to describe me last night by my husband. Simply putting this in words now brings tears to my eyes. Just because I have a mental ILLNESS does not mean I should fall into the label of "crazy psychopath".
 In the beginning, he was very supportive but now I feel he is only dragging me down. Calling me names, really? Who does that? Um, immature little kids do that, yet he is a grown man. It's the same as him calling me a fat ass, yes its true but the words hurt. I know I have gained weight, but you can physically see with your own two eyes how hard I work everyday going to the gym to try to get healthy again.

He use to NOT be this person, the one that calls me names. This has only started since coming back home. He references it to me living with (i will reference him as DOPEY) Dopey while we were separated b/c I admitted to my spouse that Dopey called me names on a regular basis & therefore my spouse says I must like it b/c I lived with dopey for four months & was in love with him. He (my spouse) seems to think that is how I want to be treated, even stating that I seem to act better toward him when he treats me bad.

I don't know what to do.  My best efforts are never good enough and I am already tired of trying. I feel at times like we both are just going in a circle, a vicious one at that. I tried to get an emergency type therapist appointment but she is booked until Sept. 14th! I guess I will just go to the medicine cabinet and get out my old meds and start taking them until I can get in to see the doctor.

2 comments:

  1. name calling, is NOT acceptable in any way, shape, or form. its wrong. and yeah your right, only little immature kids name call. But men never grow up so in part he is a little immature kid. I just wish that men would grow up the way we do. yeah they may work and bring in money and THINK that is enough, but thats not all there is to grown up. And name calling, is mental abuse. which really, is worse than physical because words hurt so much more than hits ever could. I would rather someone punched or kicked me then called me hurtful names or said hurtful things to me. physical pain heels, emotional scars do not.

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  2. I can not imagine my husband calling me a name in relation to my illness. That is just such a low blow. I know its hard for people who do not have bipolar to understand it, but when you are with someone you owe it to them to love them even in sickness (my personal belief anyway). I can understand if maybe he was having an overwhelmed moment and had a poor way of expressing it, but I sure hope you will not allow it to happen any more.

    Dealing with the overwhelming feelings of being bipolar is hard. You need all the support you can get.

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