These blogs contain details that pertain to my life. They are true, real, un-sensored, & straight from my biplar mind lol. Some of the things I discuss may cause you to feel strong emotions of anger, frustration, sadness, and you more than likely will not understand where I am coming from. I am not writing for a 'pity party', this is strickly something I just feel good about doing. It's my life, therefore its my perrogative (The exclusive right and power to command, decided, rule or judge) to write about whatever I want. The only person who's opinion matters to me is my husband & he approves of my blogging. In conclusion: You have been warned ~ Read At Your Own Risk!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Hurtful Words.

I know how hard it is for me to deal with my emotions, but I cant imagine how hard it must be to live with me. After being placed in a mental facility & professionally diagnosed being bipolar, it feels good to know there is a hormonal reason why my moods change so rapidly and go beyond the intensity of a normal persons range. My spouse went with me to my therapist, he was told what bipolar is like and how it affects people. He is suppose to understand but he acts like I enjoy being in a pissy mood, and at some times acts like I have the ability to control myself.

Am I wrong to expect a little understanding from my spouse?

Yesterday was crazy. I had an o.k. day up until I got home from picking my oldest daughter up from school. My spouse was cleaning fish to cook for supper in the kitchen which caused the entire kitchen to REEK of a fishy odor while I was trying to clean my toddlers room to get ready to vacuum it. The toddler poured out chips in the kitchen, while I cleaned that mess up she decided to pour my tea out on the living room floor (that i just swept & mopped the night before)  then while sweeping her sisters room, she got a banana from the kitchen & was caught squishing it in her carpet and all of this happened within about an hour. 

To say I was a bit annoyed, or agitated is no where close to the intensity of my emotional state. I had all that going on while still needing to do laundry and sweep AGAIN & MOP AGAIN and even still had to feed the kids supper, give them baths and get them to bed. I wanted to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs. What good would it have done? My spouse didn't seem to budge from the kitchen, he was in his own little world of " I'm cleaning fish so I can cook them for supper", at one point he was even outside on the back porch cleaning them.

After everything was done & kids were in bed I finally sat down for a moment and began a conversation with my spouse. We discussed my mood and why I was "mad at the world", so he said. I never expected to hear the next phrase that came out of his mouth. "Crazy psychopath" was the name used to describe me last night by my husband. Simply putting this in words now brings tears to my eyes. Just because I have a mental ILLNESS does not mean I should fall into the label of "crazy psychopath".
 In the beginning, he was very supportive but now I feel he is only dragging me down. Calling me names, really? Who does that? Um, immature little kids do that, yet he is a grown man. It's the same as him calling me a fat ass, yes its true but the words hurt. I know I have gained weight, but you can physically see with your own two eyes how hard I work everyday going to the gym to try to get healthy again.

He use to NOT be this person, the one that calls me names. This has only started since coming back home. He references it to me living with (i will reference him as DOPEY) Dopey while we were separated b/c I admitted to my spouse that Dopey called me names on a regular basis & therefore my spouse says I must like it b/c I lived with dopey for four months & was in love with him. He (my spouse) seems to think that is how I want to be treated, even stating that I seem to act better toward him when he treats me bad.

I don't know what to do.  My best efforts are never good enough and I am already tired of trying. I feel at times like we both are just going in a circle, a vicious one at that. I tried to get an emergency type therapist appointment but she is booked until Sept. 14th! I guess I will just go to the medicine cabinet and get out my old meds and start taking them until I can get in to see the doctor.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Wow, I'm glad this day is over.

ok, today has been so full of activities I havnt had time to have an emotional melt down. As of right now, i could lay down and fall asleep just how I am, wearing the same clothes I have been wearing all day, even to the gym in them, sweaty socks, teeth not brushed from eating supper but I promise, after this blog I fully intend on getting a LONG HOT SHOWER, & brushing my teeth of course lol.

I have went above & beyong my vow to clean up my act. I started my night with getting both kids in bed & ASLEEP by 9pm, and I soon followed. I woke up around 6:00 a.m., ok so I hit the snooze twice so I actually got up at 6:12...anyhow, i accomplished everything I said I would. I had everyone ready, fed and we were all out the door by 7:15 a.m., with no major issues. After taking Mackensi to her first day of school in 1st grade I brought Jamie back home so he could go to bed (he work night shift got off at 6:30 a.m.) then I got Madison ready and we headed to the Gym. I walked a mile on the outdoor track since it was somewhat comfortable outside this morning. Then I used the elipticle for half a mile, remembering I was coming back this afternoon for Zumba I thought I better stop before I over work myself and end up in pain. After getting back home I fixed madison lunch & ate a bolonge (sp?) sandwhich myself then did some housework while she napped on the couch. Next thing I knew it was 2:15 p.m, and time to go get in the carpool lane to pick Kensi up from school. After arriving back home around 3:30 p.m. I went over her papers from school then cooked supper: Baked Lemon Pepper Chicken, white rice & french style green beans: Healthy enough right? I thought so. I fixed my plate with smaller than normal portions and we sat at the table eating as a family. Immediately after I picked up the kitchen a little then headed with Kensi back to the gym for back to back Zumba classes. Not long after getting started I noticed a slight pain in my left hip: great, just when I WANT to work out, something comes along to stop me, or hender my giving it 100% anyhow. I push through the first class, not trying too hard b/c the next class is a african american lady named Sherri whom makes you shake your rump to some badd ass music & knows for a fact that with her single class I burn 800 calories! AHMAZING right!?!! i know, so I was saving my energy for her class! Mackensi got bored, as I knew she would and had her end of the day, adhd meds wore off emotionally breakdown so I begged the nursary worker to let her go in there with them, They did! So back to the class to work off this big GUT, not butt, I like my Rump :) After my workout I came back home only to do more picking up of the house, got kids bathed and in bed and now here I am writing this journal blog of my day. Busy huh? I managed to have some sit down time when I ate my sandwhich at lunch so its ok. I know one things for sure, I will NOT be going to them gym in the morning after dropping kensi off at school. My hipS, plural...yes, now both are Very SORE, but I wont miss my Zumba tomorrow afternoon. You can count on that.

Ok, Jamie is nagging me to get up and help him get his "lunch" together so he can leave. The last thing to take care of for the night then I can go tend to myself, SHOWER/BED...Thnks for reading.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

My Mid Year Resolution

Usually at the start of each new year people try to find something about their life to change. At the top of the popular list is to Loose Weight. Well, for me, at the start of this year I was weighing less than I had when I became pregnant with my second daughter so having that resolution wasn't in my mind.  Six months later, things have changed.

Seeing myself in photos or videos is like looking at a stranger. I feel much prettier and much skinnier than I actually am. I realize this sounds strange but it is true. My weight has always fluctuated, even as a teenager but having jumping up to the size I am currently at makes me disgusted. Who is to blame? Me & Lamictol, Geodone & Paxil.

After my husband forgave me for leaving him during a manic episode, he allowed me to move back home to give our family another chance. When I moved back home in mid february I was a whoping 30lbs smaller! The first few months of being on the medications I was practically dead. All I did was eat & sleep, but I have been off the meds for 2 months and I still havn't managed to loose any of the weight I gained. Staying home everyday, doing just enough housework to get by hasnt helped the situation either.  I am READY for a change.

I vow to start a routine this upcoming Monday. Not only will my plan be helpful in motivating my weightloss but it will also be helpful in getting the kids in a 'school day' routine. I plan to wake up at 6:30 a.m., make breakfast, wake the kids up at 6:45 a.m., and have us all ready to walk out the door by 7:45 to head to the gym for two hours. Then we will come back home, do house work, eat lunch, have kids down for a nap at noon, then wake up at 2 p.m., sounds good to me.

Another idea, that brings my husband into the motivation, is when he works day shift & night shift he will be home in the afternoon and available to help with watching the kids while I attend the ZUMBA class. This class is on Mon, Tues & Thur at 5:30 p.m. with back to back classes on Tue & Thur, which I will attend both on these nights.

Along with exercise motivation, I need to find ways to eat healthier. I already drink sugar free Tea, but I will be adding water to my daily liquid intake. Counting calories will be part of my daily plan as well as limiting my carbs & sugars. So, I have my plan, now just to put it into action.

My mood today: Good. Happy with my life & where I am at.
I have played with the kids, kept the house clean, cooked supper, gave kids baths and did a few loads of laundry. I also decorated my blog site and now am ready for bed.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The first 6months of being Bipolar.

This month marks SIX months since I left Empire. I have experienced a lot of different emotions since that day. 

I went from being crazy and suicidal to being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and manic depression. I was put on two different bipolar meds to stabilize my moods and a anti-depressant. After spending five days on the mental health floor of brook wood hospital I was eager to get back to the life of being a mother and wife. I accepted and understood where I had went wrong in making many bad choices and I was ready to start the forgiveness process so I could get back to a life with my children and the man I married that I knew loved me.

Things were going good between Jamie and I but within a month of being home I started noticing something wasn't quite right with me. I was having a hard time sleeping at night and no matter what medicine the doctor told me to take I would go to sleep at night then feel groggy the next morning to the point I was scared while driving Mackensi to school. I was wanting to sleep majority of the day. I had no energy and no desire to get up and do anything. The house was staying a mess, the kids were running around playing while I lay on the couch half asleep.

 When I finally realized this wasn't normal and it had to be the meds I told Jamie about how I was feeling. At first he accused me of just simply being lazy and not being in the rhythm of taking care of the kids but I tried to explain this was more than laziness. One morning I just knew I was about to fall asleep driving so I pulled off the side of the road into a church parking lot and some lady tapped on my window to wake me up. I explained to her what was happening and she stressed to me that I should get help either with family or talk to my doctor so later that day I did just that. Jamie's family was not happy with what I did but they also made me feel like this was just laziness. I was very hurt by this b/c I knew better. When I told my doctor she simply said I didn't need to come off my meds b/c it would put me back in a "bipolar manic phase".  I didn't know what else to do and so I continued to take my meds and drive her to school.

 It took three weeks of this before the inevitable happened. I fell asleep while driving and ran into the back of a guy's truck at a stop sign. Thank goodness it didn't do any damage to his truck and he said there was no reason to make a report. It did very minimal damage to the front of my jeep, but what it did do is make me realize something needed to happen and NOW. I needed help before I ended up wrecking badly and killing all three of us girls. This is when I stopped taking her to school until the meds wore off. This made her late to school many many times and soon the school called asking what was going on. Finally after that Jamie's family stepped up and started helping take kensi to school.

With it being summer time I decided to take myself off my bipolar meds. The doctors didn't want to help me and it was a matter of what's more important, the safety and well being of my kids or my moods being stable. Yes I am more moody and more difficult to deal with but at least I am able to function and take care of my kids. I feel more in control and slowly I have regained my desire to get up and do things. I feel it was a good decision but there have been a few people that didn't agree.  The only thing I have to say about that is "ITS MY LIFE & I must do what I think is in the best interest of my kids".'

I miss going to therapy and I would like to try again, this time with a different doctor, to get on meds that will stabilize my moods but still allow me to function.

Wish me luck! :)

My triggers for today

Trying to be consistent with logging my daily mood swings is actually more difficult than you would think.

This is just a small insight to my daily mood swings also known as LIFE: Some of these things don't seem like a big deal to you because you don't have a mood disorder. Most people would probably handle these with ease and keep moving. However, with me being Biploar, The smallest things set me off so keep that in mind lol.

I had Date Night with the hubby last night, so we were out late. I was in bed around midnight but didn't fall asleep until after 1 a.m. due to trying to catchup on shows on my dvr so when Hubby woke me up at 8 a.m. I was feeling horribly tired, & became annoyed when he suggested to be intimate. He then made me wake up and get out of bed by pulling the covers off of me and turning the ac up to 80 because he knows I cant sleep if it's hot, lol yeah, he is smart. It worked, I got up and went into the living room and turned on my laptop thinking getting on FB would help wake me and get my brain going haha.

I managed to cook a good wholesome breakfast while he went to pick the kids up from the sitter (his aunt Nan), bacon, fried eggs and biscuits. Once home, after we ate breakfast, I sent the kids to play in their rooms. What happens, within minutes our toddler decided to pour out all her bins of toys. I became slightly annoyed because I just spent two hours cleaning her room yesterday top to bottom and that's the first thing she wanted to do with her toys, make a mess. So, I then turned to the pile of clothes in my bedroom that needed to be hung up. As I am doing so I hear the outside water turn on: thinking our water bill has jumped $30 from watering the garden twice a day when he is home I go outside and in a rude tone explain to him he is using too much water and its not necessary. Then I go back to the laundry. Hubby comes in and yells for me, says there is something I need to see.  Our oldest daughter  and the toddler made another mess while "making healthy food" to eat for a snack which consisted of Strawberries and bananas & sugar to dip them in. My hubby warned me of the mess ahead of time and said plainly "don't get mad at her", so I thought of it as a cute independent act and moved back to my laundry hanging. Once finished it was time for supper. My sweet husband was asked to pick out something for me to cook and decided on tacos so he got out not one but two packs of hamburger meat and began defrosting them. When I went into the kitchen and found said 2packs I got furious. We have 6 days of cooking to do and only have 2 pks of hamburger meat left, 1 pk pork chops and a few chicken breast left so I felt the extra pk of meat was not needed today. Moving on, while I cooked tacos for supper my sweet hubby tried to lift me on the counter for a sensual moment of kissing but instead i resisted and hit my lower back on counter top(it hurt so I YELLED at him) which brought on a small argument to which we both apologized about.

As if these were not enough triggers. . the biggest trigger of the day: We are potty training our toddler. We stay persistant with her about keeping her panties clean all day, reminding her often about going to the potty. I knew she has not pooped in two days, so it was going to happen today, I just knew it. After supper she had a bath and I layed her down for bed thinking maybe not today. I go to sit and begin to watch my Wed night show as its coming on tv. I hear her walking up the hall and she comes into the living room saying "mommy, help!" As she gets closer I SMELL it. She decided to Poop in her panties. It wasn't a simple poopie terd, it was running up her back! That was it, I couldn't take no more! I simply broke down and cried while cleaning her up.

So, today has been like always, a roller coaster of emotions but we all survived to try again for another day.

Someone like me

I have spent a lot of time in the past few days searching different websites for Bipolar Support and even reading blogs from other Bipolar women. I am trying to find something in common, something that screams out "that's me!", to help me feel like I am not alone in this and to even confirm within myself that I indeed am Bipolar.

My husband is supportive and he listens when I tell him about the new things I've read or learned about pertaining to this disorder but I know he doesn't understand it, how could he when I don't understand fully myself?

I have been having rapidly changing mood swings. Some days I experience happiness, anger and depression within the same day. Mostly, I have been finding that I am either easily agitated or depressed most days. It's obvious when I am in a "bad" mood and as much as I hate it, whomever is around me at the time will get some sort of backlash from it.  I think I am good at hiding the depression from most people but I don't like feeling as if I have no choice but to hide how I feel.

So, I had a discussion with my husband and opened up a little about how I am having a hard time letting go of things and people from my past. : my past life experiences and past relationships. I have made mistakes, went down the wrong path and my husband found the strength to forgive me and let me back in so I understand his point of view: How can we move on when I am still 'living' in the past?

 I am not for certain that he understands its just a part of who I am. For now, I am satisfied that at least he knows how I feel and we are OK. My therapist had explained to me reasons why I have this problem but I stopped seeing her months ago thinking therapy wasn't necessary, like my meds. I regret this decision. Therefore, I am starting back therapy next week and potentially meds soon after.

I felt like my therapist truly 'got me' like no one else has. It was if I was a book that she had read many times and was reciting it to a friend, using only the high and low points. She knew me better than I knew myself.

My hope is that I will find other people, mainly women, that are dealing with Bipolar Disorder, that will 'get me' like my therapist. Besides, there's nothing better than FREE therapy from Friends right?