This month marks SIX months since I left Empire. I have experienced a lot of different emotions since that day.
I went from being crazy and suicidal to being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and manic depression. I was put on two different bipolar meds to stabilize my moods and a anti-depressant. After spending five days on the mental health floor of brook wood hospital I was eager to get back to the life of being a mother and wife. I accepted and understood where I had went wrong in making many bad choices and I was ready to start the forgiveness process so I could get back to a life with my children and the man I married that I knew loved me.
Things were going good between Jamie and I but within a month of being home I started noticing something wasn't quite right with me. I was having a hard time sleeping at night and no matter what medicine the doctor told me to take I would go to sleep at night then feel groggy the next morning to the point I was scared while driving Mackensi to school. I was wanting to sleep majority of the day. I had no energy and no desire to get up and do anything. The house was staying a mess, the kids were running around playing while I lay on the couch half asleep.
When I finally realized this wasn't normal and it had to be the meds I told Jamie about how I was feeling. At first he accused me of just simply being lazy and not being in the rhythm of taking care of the kids but I tried to explain this was more than laziness. One morning I just knew I was about to fall asleep driving so I pulled off the side of the road into a church parking lot and some lady tapped on my window to wake me up. I explained to her what was happening and she stressed to me that I should get help either with family or talk to my doctor so later that day I did just that. Jamie's family was not happy with what I did but they also made me feel like this was just laziness. I was very hurt by this b/c I knew better. When I told my doctor she simply said I didn't need to come off my meds b/c it would put me back in a "bipolar manic phase". I didn't know what else to do and so I continued to take my meds and drive her to school.
It took three weeks of this before the inevitable happened. I fell asleep while driving and ran into the back of a guy's truck at a stop sign. Thank goodness it didn't do any damage to his truck and he said there was no reason to make a report. It did very minimal damage to the front of my jeep, but what it did do is make me realize something needed to happen and NOW. I needed help before I ended up wrecking badly and killing all three of us girls. This is when I stopped taking her to school until the meds wore off. This made her late to school many many times and soon the school called asking what was going on. Finally after that Jamie's family stepped up and started helping take kensi to school.
With it being summer time I decided to take myself off my bipolar meds. The doctors didn't want to help me and it was a matter of what's more important, the safety and well being of my kids or my moods being stable. Yes I am more moody and more difficult to deal with but at least I am able to function and take care of my kids. I feel more in control and slowly I have regained my desire to get up and do things. I feel it was a good decision but there have been a few people that didn't agree. The only thing I have to say about that is "ITS MY LIFE & I must do what I think is in the best interest of my kids".'
I miss going to therapy and I would like to try again, this time with a different doctor, to get on meds that will stabilize my moods but still allow me to function.
Wish me luck! :)
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