A need for control.

From what I've read, researched & heard about being bipolar, there is little we can do to control our emotions. Taking medication and learning your triggers are pretty much the just of controlling them.

I hate that. I really feel inside like I should have more power over myself. When I am off my medication I am high strung most days, I have more energy, and unfortunately I am constantly irritable. While on my medications, I feel fatigue, I have little desire to do anything more than I feel is necessary, and I am for the most part very mellow.

Where do I find that middle ground? Is there one at all? I have gained some 30lbs while taking my medication due to my lack of energy & desire, as well as a physical issue that is keeping me from the gym. I am trying to fix that one though. I don't like the person, or well, I don't like the attitude I have without my medications but I don't like the laziness that I feel when taking them correctly.

I had an argument with my husband tonight and he made the statement that "You need to learn to control yourself", I don't think it is possible or is it? If so, HOW? How do I control my urge to smoke cigarettes again? How do I control my urge to want to keep up with people from my past that I have no business talking to? How do I control my anger for certain people that have hurt me?

For now, I sneak a cigarette, I talk to friends of the people I wonder about, and I lash out at the people that piss me off. According to my husband, these things make me a mean, nasty, person. I don't feel that I am but I do have some guilt over the things I do. So I need to find a way to control myself.

Pray, keep open communication, & therapy, that is my answer. For now that is.