A need for control.

From what I've read, researched & heard about being bipolar, there is little we can do to control our emotions. Taking medication and learning your triggers are pretty much the just of controlling them.

I hate that. I really feel inside like I should have more power over myself. When I am off my medication I am high strung most days, I have more energy, and unfortunately I am constantly irritable. While on my medications, I feel fatigue, I have little desire to do anything more than I feel is necessary, and I am for the most part very mellow.

Where do I find that middle ground? Is there one at all? I have gained some 30lbs while taking my medication due to my lack of energy & desire, as well as a physical issue that is keeping me from the gym. I am trying to fix that one though. I don't like the person, or well, I don't like the attitude I have without my medications but I don't like the laziness that I feel when taking them correctly.

I had an argument with my husband tonight and he made the statement that "You need to learn to control yourself", I don't think it is possible or is it? If so, HOW? How do I control my urge to smoke cigarettes again? How do I control my urge to want to keep up with people from my past that I have no business talking to? How do I control my anger for certain people that have hurt me?

For now, I sneak a cigarette, I talk to friends of the people I wonder about, and I lash out at the people that piss me off. According to my husband, these things make me a mean, nasty, person. I don't feel that I am but I do have some guilt over the things I do. So I need to find a way to control myself.

Pray, keep open communication, & therapy, that is my answer. For now that is.

Its that time. . .again.

I find myself feeling like blogging again. Mainly I think its because I have started thinking about what took place during this time last year.
I was seeing D (my highschool sweetheart) and getting ready to leave my family (hubby & kids) to go move in with him.  He turned out to be a serious drug addict & my life took a downward spiral that almost ended with me commiting suicide.
My other blog www.blogger.com/thewayiseeit  it tells about that time of my life.
As I mentioned in a previous blog, I took myself off my meds over the summer but have sence started back on my lamictol & paxil. With this time of year being my manic season I am considering going to a therapist and mabe geting a higher dosage or possibly adding the geodon back in to my daily regimine. I only considered this the other day b/c I realized it was the specific day that last year I saw D for the first time in 10yrs & my mind went back to missing the "good parts" of my time with him. I took some time to think about him but was able to remind myself to go back to reality: my life with my kids & husband were better than the 4 months I spent with D. He is NOT worth giving up my life for, not again.
I also find myself craving cigaretts again. I've tried a few times to smoke but it feels disgusting. Yet, the craving goes away. That is not a habit that I want to pick back up. I am also, like every year feeling lonely. I am associating this feeling to the fact of my "LACK" of friends. I have friends, but none that i actually hang out with. I am trying to find some by joining local mommy websites, no luck so far. I hope things dont go crazy this year like every year in the past.
As an Update, since I havnt kept up with "daily blogs".. .. I've gained weight, but found out I have an issue with my bladder sling b/c its one of those "transvaginal mesh" things thats all over TV & so yes I am in connection with my lawyer b/c i am going to have to have surger to fix an issue with it causing me severe pain therefore I havnt been able to go to the Gym like I was wanting. My oldest is doing great in school, we singed her up with dance classes (tap & ballett) & SHE LOVES IT. My youngest is almost completely potty trained. My hubby & I are doing better at this time in 2011 than we were in 2010 so thats a good thing. So, that sums it up.
Tonight I have made new Posts in all three of my blogs so go check them out. I will be writing again very soon :)
Love, Mrs. C